"These shadows are of what was . not owe me blame if they are hours what I am "
More or less by the third week of December, I opened a period all 'anything but easy. Sometimes we believe that all goes well, they have reached a certain balance. Instead, when the "shadows" are presented here that the safety of the bay certainties collapsed disastrously.
I am reminded of the card of the Tower.
stagnant situations, only you can decide to change them. But the collapse, it hurts a lot.
It 's a terrible suffering to understand that you have wasted time, resources, energy foraging something that did not make sense to exist.
need to listen to those "blessed" existential doubts that they send you out of the brain, the night before falling asleep.
And it is at night that I had my first crying and I said: "It will have to change course or pond to life, choose a profession that is not yours and you will be eternally unhappy .. so that you can throw the your life? ".
After that night I really destroyed. I let go of all the anguish and all the tears that I had harbored for years.
I've always been a rock and find themselves trembling with tears, I found the first frightening, then liberating. It very painful to see (not understand) the obvious slammed in my face like a fist and curse not to have got there first.
Yes, because when you do something and do not know why it means you're doing a crap.
I spent almost two months and a half deep Nigredo .. let's call it. Chaos is the most terrible thing to which a person may be subjected. Do not know where to hold on to, not knowing what to do, crazy!
The only certainty was that of having to change.
So I did, although there is still much work to do.
But the fact of "wake up" take note that I was boycotting it was a self-liberation.
I woke up from deep sleep into which I had fallen!
And as I walk the streets a thousand times as a child, I became aware of growing up and doing something brave, that most people do not.
course, if you like "The Fool" are not a bit 'off, and avoids the risk of holding on to the "swamp" that you created, then do not go out anymore.
Life is an endless wheel, if you let yourself be devoured by insecurity, by others' opinions and the trust ends up in the trash ... no one will know that "rooting for you" for you.
Do not allow yourself to love is the first real step towards the abyss.
Often we allow ourselves to break down by negative thoughts, so as to create another person, idealized in its worst qualities, but not us.
That person should be burned every day, making sure to remember that simply worth.
be "vigilant and aware, because it is by our actions / intentions that opens up for us / we block the road.
After the phase of self-pity is open to a sincere search, the search for what makes us feel really good.
I endured too much, I allowed that too many people with their vile stereotypes minassero my serenity and my person. I hid behind the phrase, "never mind, you're an educated person ... be greater than the provocation."
My nature however, the instinct, which in these cases I braked, he would have acted quite differently. Have you ever seen Mars
respond politely? "Stifle
quiet life for something that belongs to you then you will see good results.
I can not be gentle with those who do not deserve it.
These people, nourishes your cores. Call
negative flow, cores, unhappy thoughts .. whatever you want ..! It should be eradicated.
Personally I understand if it depends only on me, or even by one person in particular that pours "all their problems," in my house. It 'just one of those people who for years and years "cycle" around their troubles without resolving them or acknowledge them. In addition to not being able to suffer, when at home I feel a smell of "sweet incense mixed old / mold" me nausea. I do not know what it is or why I feel it (well I perceive it even in cemeteries and homes for the elderly), I know that is heavy and attempts to leave.
significant, something that happened to me Friday night.
I was dreaming that this person continued to haunt me asking favors and invading my space (as in reality), then in a kind of sleepwalking I sat in bed and shouted: "Just go away!" collapse by my boyfriend. Or rather, I noticed when I gave a little shake and asked me what had happened. I remembered the dream but not that he yelled. He also told me that before I did the screaming toward those who are for both underwater and then exits, breathing hurriedly for the long apnea.
After months and months I had trouble hypericum because it helps me clean up a bit 'environment. And as has always worked.
rest in last night was quiet ... and I would say thank goodness!
And to celebrate the abandonment of the past, I decided to start over for good, starting from the house.
I'm doing a nice present: a study of my own.
But this time it will be personalized, decorated and ready as I will.
meantime I'll start with something that I've never been able to offer: a library of two feet .. and fuck you!
Yes, because I have mountains of books, stacks of books and can not be crammed around occupying half the space of a house, to his already small.
Then the environment will be colored with a beautiful yellow or orange ... I think: P and hang around the prints. Some of astronomy, some ancient, others are of my photographic work.
There will be plenty of light and especially flowers and curtains. Already
emptied the former room of my sister and made room burning all the old and useless things that I did not need more.
Yesterday I dropped by Chaos and Mattias pointed out to me that under the giant bay near the river, some sort of duck has laid 9 eggs well. I have isolated from the look of wood with Lupone. It seemed a good "sign of rebirth." Just
9, has a strong meaning for me. We'll see.
that remains is to mark the "synchronous" as Nyctea has wisely suggested.
We are just like the chicks, we continue to collect all the crumbs are scattered on our way. Who knows where it will ...
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